How the Chocolate Chip is Ruining America…or, Why Donald Trump Doesn’t Get It.

Pile of Chocolate ChipsThere’s a lot of talk about “making America great again.”  There is one party in particular who have been wailing this complaint in one form another for decades…even when they claim power!  These people — or should I say “those people” — shoot for lofty targets like taxes, immigration, and so-called entitlements when they complain, all of which, ironically enough,are among the very things that made America great in the first place.  It’s bizarre and especially so when the real culprit is the chocolate chip.

Let’s think about this.  Let’s all do this together…

When did we decide that adding chocolate chips to already great foods would make those delicious foods better?  I don’t know about you, but I didn’t see my first chocolate chip waffle until Reagan got to the White House.  Did you?  Probably not.  We were more sensible and grounded in the pre-Reagan years.  We were not putting little chocolate chips in everything!  We believed in real solutions, not candy-coated ones.

Waffles are bad enough.  How about chocolate chip pancakes?  Chocolate chip cinnamon rolls?  Yep, they make those, too.  I’ve seen chocolate chips in apple pie, banana bread, lime Jello, and…believe it or not…even beer.  Yes, America, there are people putting chocolate chips in beer at the Minnesota State Fair…RIGHT NOW, damn it!

But the biggest attack on sound American values is chocolate chips in peanut butter cookies.  Come on, America!  We invented the peanut butter cookie, we made it right the first time.  What the hell is wrong with us?

Peanut Butter Cookies

Classic Peanut Butter Cookies

I spent all of last week — today is Saturday — looking for a traditional peanut butter cookie.  I found almost all had chocolate chips or even worse, double chocolate chips.  I don’t want freaking chocolate chips in my peanut butter cookies.  Do you?  A peanut butter cookie is a peanut butter cookie and it should be relatively small, crisp, and made the way my grandmother made them.  They should not be large doughy crap baked for the purpose of eating still more chocolate chips.

Sure, you can have your private vices, you can secretly eat chocolate chips in your blueberry muffins if you want, but for the love of America, let’s save the peanut butter cookie!  If you want to make America great again, you start there.

Making America great again — whatever that means — starts with respecting the elegant simplicity of the classic peanut butter cookie.  And make them with little crosshatch patterns pressed with a fork on them, unless you’re my grandmother.  Then you press the pattern from the bottom of an antique pressed-glass tumbler into your cookies.  That’s how you make a good  peanut butter cookie.  That’s how you keep America great.

The problem with wanting to make America great again is we worry about the wrong stuff, sometimes dangerously so.  We don’t even know what the hell that means.  What’s right for you is so-so for me and so it isn’t supposed to be only one way or the other.  So often we fight about fixing what doesn’t need fixing and neglect the things that do.  We forget what matters to the point that often we don’t even seek our own bests interests, individually or collectively.  Too often our pursuit of patriotism and all of that is about as meaningful as putting chocolate chips in a pecan pie (another travesty).  We behave like old fools, bickering about vague and terribly subjective notions of “great.”

Photograph of George Washington Carver

George Washington Carver…Making America Great Before it Was Cool.

Look at it this way, if we were going to emulate the lives of the Founding Fathers, we’d mostly be living on farms, driving horse-drawn buggies, and drinking too much beer whenever we got the chance.  Some of us would own slaves, too, and most of us wouldn’t be eating chocolate chip peanut butter cookies.  (Indeed, George Washington Carver, born nearly 100 years after the American Revolution, created the first peanut cookies.)  This isn’t 1776 anyway…and it isn’t 1956 either.  (But it sure is more like 1986 than either of those…)

And I don’t hear Trump or any of his ilk and followers, either loud or tacit, saying anything that really means anything about anything anyway.  It is a lot of hot air.  In fact, I am certain if it could be shown that chocolate chips played some role in identity politics, they’d be attacking (or defending) chocolate chips!

So, screw it!  I want to beat them to the punch.  I want to claim here and now that what really matters, what really makes America great, is nothing more and nothing less than peanut butter cookies baked without chocolate chips.  Period!

Now let’s go vote.


2 thoughts on “How the Chocolate Chip is Ruining America…or, Why Donald Trump Doesn’t Get It.

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