If you had a bad pizza recently, there are two possible explanations. But first let’s be sure we’re talking about pizza and not “pizza.”
Pizza, as it has been perfected in the United States, is a relatively simple food. It is a flat base of thin dough baked with a topping of oregano-spiced tomato sauce and other simple toppings such as mushrooms, pepperoni, Italian sausage, olives, and Canadian Bacon. It is not a thick base of dough baked in a pan and called “deep dish.” Nor is it any of a long list of abominations topped with things like cauliflower or cheeseburgers. And any pizza labeled “vegetarian” or “white” should be avoided entirely. Finally, there is no such thing as a dairy free pizza because there is no such thing as a dairy free cheese. All pizza must be topped with cheese.
So if you have a real pizza — say a pepperoni and mushroom or a green olive and Canadian bacon — and it fails to live up to expectation there are two things that could be going wrong.
First, you might simply have a bad pizza, which isn’t likely if it is made with the proper simple ingredients. Sometimes bad pizzas happen, though, and that’s ok. Just don’t do it again.
More likely the reason your pizza tastes bad is the second possibility: You cut your pizza like a “pizza pie”, which there is no such thing, by the way, not in America there ain’t! Fool! You cut your pizza in triangles! That’s on par with serving soup with a fork.
All pizza — all real pizza — tastes best cut in squares and that is reason enough to insist that all pizzas be cut in squares. Not cutting a pizza in squares is like not freezing ice cream. It doesn’t work. Ever.
Science has proven this fact many times. Squares more evenly release the all important flavor elements in a pizza — called gustates — that give pizza that good flavor you seek. Squares have been long known to be the shape most compatible with the flow and migration of oxygen molecules. That’s why oxygen containers are cylinders. If oxygen containers were squares, the oxygen would escape from the container too quickly, raising the risk of a dangerous accident, like fire.
But when you’re serving pizza, you want those square-loving oxygen molecules to rush across your pizza without constraint in order to maximize the release of gustates. It is that simple.
Now you might be asking: Do the squares need to be exact? No, fortunately not, because what oxygen molecules are really looking for are right angles. So rectangles work. But obviously a square would maximize the oxygen-to-gustate ratio so you want to be as square as possible.
Let’s go do it now. Put a pizza in the oven! And let’s not cut corners, let’s cut pizza…in squares! Square it up and cut with purpose. In the end you might end up loving your formerly mediocre pie-cut pizza. (Don’t make that mistake again.)