If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you probably have guessed that I stopped writing because I finally decided to respect your time. Well, that guess is wrong. Very wrong!
The truth is — and if any young children are reading this post, now might be a good time to go back to your Pokemon cards — because the truth is this: I cannot handle the pain!
It is a punishing pain, an inescapable frustration — a crushing frustration– a deep soul crushing frustration…indeed a punishing crushing frustration! A real pain in the ass.
What I mean really is this, writing on a goddamn Dell Studio 1735 laptop computer is a punishing pain. And I’m sure Microsoft has some blame here, so perhaps I am after the wrong burden. Either way, I quit my computer and started eating sandwiches instead.
Look, I’m not a fool. I’m a wise guy. Computer technology is something like romantic love…which is to say it is a lie, a cruel joke played on adolescents and the naive. In short, computers are not supposed to work.
Not unlike romance, however, a working computer is more process than stability. It is a relative thing, something like being only slightly less frustrated than the unhappy couple cutting each other’s throats down the block. I know that. So I came back.
(Here I am, little blog…)
But like dealing with a crazy bitch, there comes the time to cut away and now might be time for techno change, time to say goodbye. You see, unlike romance, a computer should be more than mere folly. Unlike a romantic lark, my Dell Studio and its Vista soul never has — and never will — offer any happiness! (There’s no future in that, kids. None.) Pah! It gets worse. My Dell isn’t even naughty! Try streaming a video late at night. Forget it…it is not happening here.
This computer — if that’s what this is — should have been toxic waste in a landfill before its lid was ever lifted to the light of day. It started badly, it is ending worse. This computer is nothing more than a cruel hoax, nothing less than a betrayed promise…
But wait…maybe I have gone too far. There is a positive side effect. Trying to work on a computer like this puts people — real people — in perspective. Suddenly I like people. I like them a lot. I talk to them now. And sometimes I even listen to them.
But there’s a limit to all of that goodness. I cannot write and research on the stomach of some slob sitting next to me at the bar. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that. As a computer, people have limits. They can go only so far, only offer so much…
And so then I am alone again, recklessly starting paragraphs and sentences with conjunctions whenever I am not staring at some green spinning Vista ring on a faded computer screen waiting for something to happen. Mindless waiting, pointless waiting, and not having much hope any of it it will ever be worth anything. (Yes, computers indeed are like the women I love.)
So that’s where I have been, kids. I have been AWOL, tripping about in a dark techno perdition that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone…other than, perhaps, the women I love. (It is that bad. Really. But now look…I am back!)
And with that…I am done, with this post at least! And finished it within 30 minutes, approximately the maximum stretch my computer gives before a needed reboot.
So, now that I have that off my chest. Who’s up for reading the dictionary with me?
- MacBook Pro declared ‘best performing’ Windows laptop (news.cnet.com)
- Shut Down Computer or Leave It Running? (lockergnome.com)
- Technology Dependent: Death of a Laptop (projectworkingtitle.com)
- Frustration and Anxiety (voxboxx.wordpress.com)