Oh boy! Today Was Made for Me!

Bad Parker, Photo 1.

Odd thing about my neighborhood…people can’t park!  They can’t drive either, but I have covered that in other posts.

I think a lot of the offenders are passing through and don’t necessarily live in the neighborhood, but there is something strangely out of sync here in Linden Hills when it comes to cars and drivers.

For a guy who likes to get his camera out and document the feeble efforts of Bad Parker — no relation to Fess, by the way — today was fantastic.  Seeing these outrageously failed attempts at parking is a lot like seeing a unicorn, if you’ve ever seen a unicorn.  It is amazing because you would otherwise think it impossible if you didn’t see it yourself…that’s what I mean.  And let me show you what I mean.

I offer Bad Parker, Photo 1, for your consideration.   Looks harmless enough.  You have a black SUV parked with an overly friendly gold Toyota sniffing its tailpipe.  Nothing unusual about that, I admit, but look more closely…

The black SUV is parked poorly; it did not pull far enough ahead to take one parking spot.  The space in front of the SUV and behind it is too small for a car to park.

This is bad enough, but it gets worse.

The SUV didn’t leave room for a car behind it, but that didn’t stop the Toyota.  How bad is it?  I present now Bad Parker, Photo 2, as evidence.

Bad Parker, Photo 2.

I have been documenting Bad Parker’s missteps in the neighborhood for quite a long time and I have to say that this parking takes the prize for worst of the worse.  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Yes, that’s right, the gold Toyota is blocking the driveway’

A driveway?  Pish posh, that ain’t no big deal.  Just access to a parking lot for an apartment building.  Who gives a rip?

But to me, however, it matters; it opens the big cosmic “Why?”  Some people want to know how the get the cream filling in a Hostess cupcake, I want to know how we got a driver’s license to Bad Parker.

When searching for an explanation I tend to think for easy answers.  I’m not lazy, I just like an easy answer if it is there.

Perhaps these people are Republicans, for example.  All the signs are there.  Boorish stupidity is a persuasive clue.  But I have to stop picking on Republicans.  They have enough to worry about with all of their insecurities and paranoia, their bitterness and hate.  It can’t be easy being afraid of everything.  Even a smart Republican might be expected to slip up once in a while if all his efforts were focused on finding the next scapegoat to cover for his failings.  Yes, no…it is time to ease up on the cry babies for a while.  I’m sure they can’t park — there’s no reason to expect that they could — but I’m sure suggesting that ALL Bad Parkers are Republicans is a silly oversimplification.


My neighborhood is reliably progressive anyway with a few old school conservatives wandering about.  They’re ok.

Bad Parker, on the other hand, is a menace!  And I know a thing or two about being a menace.  Oh, I have to chuckle about it.  Hey, everyone sleepwalks!  I’m just a little more creative about it.  With a bedsheet as a cape and a black leather fetish eye mask someone left at my place once (must have been a party), I just happen to roam the neighborhood screaming “Heinous” from time to time.  So what?  It’s no big deal.  I can still park.

But anyway…that Bad Parker…Bad Parker simply disrupts the balance of decency.  Inconsiderate.  A true menace, maybe even a threat.  And on this day, he wasn’t finished.  Bad Parker punctuated today’s spectacle with a classic.

Bad Parker, Photo 3.

While returning home from photographing Bad Parker’s cars, I found he had left one more.  A mocking slap across the face with a kid glove.  A challenge to my patience.  Maybe a reason to break out the cape and mask and rise to superheroism!

Take a look at Bad Parker, Photo 3.

This, just so everyone knows, is the classic Bad Parker move, perfectly set up.  That metal sign post is the “No Parking” sign before the intersection that one on stops at in my neighborhood.  Do you see how small the space is in front of the silver Mercedes?  There’s no room for a car to park there!  So this car has taken two spaces in an urban neighborhood where parking space is limited.

And if that is not bad enough…look again.  Look across the street in Photo 3.  Another slap before the stinging insult of the first had soothed.  Bad Parker has a silver Pontiac in the classic Bad Parker park.  Do you see it?  Is your blood boiling?  Double Whammy!

Bad Parker!  Say it with me:  “Bad Parker!”

In fact, while you’re out there on the streets of your city, look for Bad Parker, he’s everywhere and everywhere he is a menace.

Speaking of Parkers…what does Keanu Reeves have that I don’t have?  Pick a peck of Poseys?



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