Bad Parker is at it again in my neighborhood. And, yes…I know…Bad Parker is no relation to Fess Parker as I claimed in an earlier post.
My apologies to Fess Parker’s family. I should have checked the Independent Movie Database before recklessly associating Mr. Parker with complete nitwits like Bad Parker.
But Bad Parker is back full on in my neighborhood parking cars like they’re aircraft carriers. I would take pictures, but it is dark outside and this heinous crime against responsible urban living cannot be adequately captured with my camera.
The average length of an American car is just over 13 feet. Traffic and municipal engineers use 16 feet as the average measure of vehicle length. (These are averages. Full-size SUVs come in at just over 16 feet.) A quick survey of municipal codes for street parking show 20 feet as the typical size for on-street parallel parking. That seems like plenty of space to me and you might be wondering how Bad Parker takes up more than one parking space. Any urban dweller knows the answer, but apparently some don’t give a rat’s ass as long as they get their heap of bolts and tin parked. Let me tell you how Bad Parker does it…just as a primer on how to be the worst and least popular parker in the neighborhood.
Let’s say the engineers are right and 20 feet of curb space is enough for most people to park a car, unless you’re a horribly weak driver like Bad Parker. Look at the diagram I have here. Let’s say the left end of the first space on the left is at a corner.
Bad Parker puts the car so it straddles two spaces so even the most insignificant car — a car like Bad Parker’s — can take up two spaces, effectively using 40+ feet of curb by parking too far from the corner and too far to the right. See it? Get it?
Tonight Bad Parker parked three cars in my neighborhood, taking six spaces. I will have to get my Post-It Notes out again and leave my “Please Take Only One Space Next Time” notes on Bad’s car windows.
Please people…if you have trouble parallel parking, please write to me. I’ll help. I might even be willing to come out and meet with you. It is my little way of making the world a better place.
Where are you, Bad Parker?