Staying Clear of Politics

Linden Hills Walk.

I am not sure what this post is intended to accomplish.  It is a sort of feeling-sorry-for-myself kind of a post.  Maybe I am the bitter pill.  So slog along.

I am staying clear of politics — and several minutes of voice mail and a hell of a lot of email — I opted for a stroll around the neighborhood today instead.  I fear tomorrow will be a harsh return to my day-to-day reality following a weeklong vacation and I’m just not quite ready for that yet.  The GOP might ultimately fulfill their destructive ambitions leaving us with very little peace and security, so why not enjoy peace and security while it remains?

But I fear that whether conscious of it or not, the damage done has already gotten under the skin of many people.  Today has been a gorgeous day in Minneapolis.  Sunny and mild with a comfortable breeze blowing cool dry air on an otherwise overheated summer.  Everyone seemed so damn cranky today.  Perhaps it is an urban thing and after an easy week with family and friends, coming back to this is such a stark contrast I just feel more out of place.

One spandex clad bicyclist barked at an older trio on the bike path to “just relax” when they called out “to the left” alerting him that they wanted to pass.  In my experience, if there is anyone who should be told to “just relax” more often than not it is going to be the 40-something guy on a bike wearing spandex.  These guys are notorious for giving bicyclists a bad image — hogging the road, flipping the bird, and failing to shave the black curly belly hairs that roll out with a saggy gut are a few of the more inoffensive offences.  What a jerk.

Then there was the couple walking with an odd old chap that … well, I’m not sure what was up.  All that I can surmise is Uncle Eli had some words of wisdom to share with me, but I must have blown past them and not stopped to give him a moment to share.  “Enjoy the Sabbath, neighbor,” was the unmistakably sarcastic attack angrily shouted back to me.  (Meant to cut and burn.)   “How dare he!”  How dare I what?  I’m just walking.

To avoid a punch in the nose, I didn’t look at anyone or anything on the beach at Lake Harriet.  I did notice that the new swimming raft was gone, however.  I wonder where it is.

Seriously, everyone is on edge today.  What’s up folks?  It is a long-awaited for nice summer day!  Perhaps economic Armageddon has people down.  Maybe people were thinking about how happy and positive and progressive Minnesota used to be back when we were a Can Do state.  I don’t know…

So I started thinking about my escape.  I have just returned from Lake Osakis.  (In complete neighborly nerd fashion, I wore my Lake Osakis holiday shirt hoping someone might stop me and say “Oh, hey!  You were at Lake Osakis?”  Fat chance.)  Osakis is nice, but I’m not sure I would want to be there year ’round.  I think I am more of an eastern to northeastern Minnesota guy.

As I ease back into urban life and the work week, I’m hoping to see more smiles.

Lake Osakis, Minnesota.

Bad Parker

Bad Parker is at it again in my neighborhood.  And, yes…I know…Bad Parker is no relation to Fess Parker as I claimed in an earlier post. 

Probably Intended for Morons of Another Sort, but Bad Parker Should Heed the Advice.

My apologies to Fess Parker’s family.  I should have checked the Independent Movie Database before recklessly associating Mr. Parker with complete nitwits like Bad Parker. 

But Bad Parker is back full on in my neighborhood parking cars like they’re aircraft carriers.  I would take pictures, but it is dark outside and this heinous crime against responsible urban living cannot be adequately captured with my camera. 

The average length of an American car is just over 13 feet.   Traffic and municipal engineers use 16 feet as the average measure of vehicle length.  (These are averages.  Full-size SUVs come in at just over 16 feet.)  A quick survey of municipal codes for street parking show 20 feet as the typical size for on-street parallel parking.  That seems like plenty of space to me and you might be wondering how Bad Parker takes up more than one parking space.  Any urban dweller knows the answer, but apparently some don’t give a rat’s ass as long as they get their heap of bolts and tin parked.  Let me tell you how Bad Parker does it…just as a primer on how to be the worst and least popular parker in the neighborhood.

Let’s say the engineers are right and 20 feet of curb space is enough for most people to park a car, unless you’re a horribly weak driver like Bad Parker.  Look at the diagram I have here.  Let’s say the left end of the first space on the left is at a corner. 

Stay in Your Space!

Bad Parker puts the car so it straddles two spaces so even the most insignificant car — a car like Bad Parker’s — can take up two spaces, effectively using 40+ feet of curb by parking too far from the corner and too far to the right.  See it?  Get it? 

Tonight Bad Parker parked three cars in my neighborhood, taking six spaces.   I will have to get my Post-It Notes out again and leave my “Please Take Only One Space Next Time” notes on Bad’s car windows. 

Please people…if you have trouble parallel parking, please write to me.  I’ll help.  I might even be willing to come out and meet with you.  It is my little way of making the world a better place.

Where are you, Bad Parker?

What Are They Doing to Me…?

What the…?!  Look at this!  Another dip head parking like a moron from Nevada! 

Tow It!

And…just so you know…this puny little red car parked right up against my rear bumper, pinching me into a very tight space while at the same time taking up two spots…a little toy car taking up two spots that should be open for real cars in a crowded city!  Shoot…there are pumpkins, literally pumpkins…heavier than this little car!   Carve it up, Jack-o-Lantern!

If this keeps going we’re going to have problems.  We need no more Bad Parkers in this neighborhood.

(Scroll down for something better.)

Bad Parking

You cannot really tell from this photo — or can you? — but this is a picture of an unexcusable urban faux pas.  I don’t care if the driver of this car is Gandhi.  I don’t care if it is Mother Theresa.  I don’t care if it is Gandhi and Mother Theresa together back from saving half the planet from perdition and debauchery…whoever parked this car should be banned from the city! 

Who Has Some Eggs?

Look closely at the crime.  This moron — whoever it is — parked so he or she is eating up two parking spaces.  To make matters worse, this car with Nevada plates  has been wasting that spot for several days now.  When I am Supreme Leader, cars parked like this will be towed and destroyed.   The owner will then be imprisoned 10 years for every day that car sat in the wasted spot…on the first offense.  Second offense:  20 years for every day the car sat in two parking places.  The idea is to protect better urban dwellers from this obscene behavior in the future.  I estimate most people will not survive two offenses, however, if needed on a third offense:  35 years.  (Just to make sure.)

I would give the location of this car so all three of my readers could go find it and let their dogs pee on the fender, but I am too nice for that.  I will go down and leave a Post-It or two on the window signed from all of us better, sensible people advising the moron to go back to Nevada and to never return.

(Yes, I know…Mother Theresa and Gandhi are saving people in paradise now.  Maybe the driver is Bad Parker, Fess Parker’s stupid little brother.)

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