Siegfried Farnon or Lieutenant Columbo?

Siegfried Farnon (Robert Hardy)

Even at my age, it isn’t a bad idea to have a role model; perhaps especially at my age.  It is always good to step back and take a look at things, assess your weaknesses and opportunities.  All things considered, in my case  a role model seems like an especially good idea.

I have two candidates, both very suitable for the task.

On the one hand I present the urbane country gentleman Siegfried Farnon from the BBC television series All Creatures Great and Small.  On the other is the scruffy and self-effacing Lieutenant Columbo, iconic NBC Sunday Mystery Movie mainstay from the 1970s.  I challenge you to find two better choices.   (Mother Theresa and Ghandi don’t count, unless you’re a beauty pageant queen.)

Interestingly, for all their differences, Columbo and Siegfried are remarkably similar.  Even apparent differences are little more than differences in style, rather than substance.  It makes me wonder if the difference isn’t entirely cultural.  Farnon English, Columbo American.  A comparison between the two reveals a lot. They  are like opposite sides of the same coin.

• Siegfried acts as if he knows more than he knows.  Columbo acts as if he knows less than he knows.
• Columbo has one dog.  Siegfried has several.
• Both men wear a suit to work, but Siegfried has a tailor.
• Columbo has one suit.  Siegfried has several.
• Siegfried has bad memory.  Columbo remembers everything.
• Both men drive old beat up cars, although Farnon upgrades as times get better.
• Siegfried is a better talker than listener.  Columbo listens better than he talks.
• Siegfried drinks frequently.  Columbo doesn’t drink…much.
• Columbo smokes cheap cigars.  Siegfried smokes a nice pipe.

The list can go on and on and on.  Both characters possess charm and panache.  Both are very adept at life and would make a wonderful role model.  So which should I choose?

Lt. Frank Columbo (Peter Falk)

I’m tempted to make a choice based on lifestyle and wardrobe, but I don’t want to brag about my tastes.  Besides I think there is a better way to compare and evaluate these two potential role models.  The comparison should be made on the very subtle way each relates to other people.  I will argue that Siegfried pushes and Columbo pulls.

Siegfried Farnon, the middle aged country veterinarian possesses wisdom beyond his years and has charisma to match.  And yet he remains very much like a child.  Forgetful, mischievous, and somewhat irresponsible.  Thus he must be the leader, pushing and dominating.  He’s everyone’s older brother and has that sort of paternal, clubby respect that we think of when we think of gentlemen.  Farnon is a sophisticated wit, a full voice, and a charming eccentric.

Not to be outdone, Columbo also is a charming eccentric.  Columbo, however, backs into his relationships with people.  He minimizes himself, retreats, and is careful to stay a rung or two below his subject.  He’s a master of deception, obviously, and in this way he pulls people to him.  He is disarming as much as he is charming, but he doesn’t necessarily put people at ease.  He is more nuisance than comfort.  But by appearing unkempt and inept, he invites people to make mistakes and he draws out the truth behind their personality.

And Columbo is super man.  Let’s face it, Columbo solves the crime as soon as he arrives on the scene.  Every time!  It is a standard that can only happen in 68 episodes of network television and make any sense.  And that’s key.  Columbo is full on entertainment.  It doesn’t try to be anything else.

Even a passive Columbo viewer knows what every fan knows.  Columbo has figured out the crime before the first commercial break.  So where’s the suspense?  There really isn’t any in Columbo.  You don’t worry that a criminal might get away.  That won’t happen.  There is very little danger or mystery in the Columbo series.  What there is instead is the interesting interpersonal dynamic of Columbo picking apart and reassembling the clues he needs to prove his suspicion.  It is brilliant!

So who do I pick as role model?  Siegfried Farnon, of course.  He’s more real world.  He dresses better, too.  But let’s face it, Columbo simply is a little too slick in a crime-solving sort of way.  Even though he pretends to know nothing, he knows everything.  He doesn’t mess up, he only looks messy.

Columbo is not the kind of role model a guy like me needs.  No sir.  A more flawed character is a more appropriate match.  Siegfried Farnon, for all of his refinement, is a very human character.  He is successful despite himself.  He drinks, smokes, has a temper.  In episode one it is suggested that he has a girlfriend, whom he left waiting due to his poor memory.  (This seems to be a well-established Siegfried characteristic.)  His book keeping is a mess and he stores his cash in a silver cup on the fireplace mantel.

Siegfried is perpetually happy and optimistic, however; for Siegfried Farnon, attitude drives everything.  An exuberant, forward thinking approach to life simply rolls over any troubles an inconvenient habit might cause.  He’s Siegfried Farnon and he isn’t going to wait for you to figure that out.  I kind of like that.

Best of all, Siegfried style isn’t easy.  One is born with characteristics and opportunities with which one must make the most of.  So it is good — it is imperative — that you aspire to someone who makes the very most of a lot.  No taking good fortune or bad for granted, and no ditching responsibility.  Siegfried sticks his chin out, shrugs off mistakes, and marches forward.  That is your role model.

Now I do indeed like Columbo.  Don’t get me wrong.  He’s just a little too good at what he does.  I have no choice but to look forward to a failure or two.  Columbo record is too solid for me.  He’s entertainment.

Farnon’s a way of life.

 

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Which is a Greater Waste of Time?

[Ok WordPress...I am trying to save this to drafts and not publish, but this ends up being published!  Makes me uneasy.  This is draft and should be marked as such.]

I’m stubbornly hanging on to this one.  It is all I have got and I think I am right.  Correct.  Having stopped at the neighborhood bar and walked home surrounded by a chorus of crickets (which should be dead this time of the year) I asked myself:  Which is a greater waste of time…my routine or…

The “or” part is the sticky part.

Millions of Americans are home watching television or maybe they’re watching soccer practice.  I haven’t any idea.  I know they are not at my bar and for that I am grateful.  But let’s pick at this one by one.  Let’s say they’re watching television and then ask the question:

“Which is a greater waste of time?”

I don’t know.  I love the arts and entertainment as much as the next guy — probably more to be honest — but…well…let me go to David Letterman for help.  He runs a new segment on his show he calls the “Tiffany Network” or something like that.  The idea is simple and to the point.  In the past, CBS branded itself as the network of “Tiffany” style and polish, you know…class.  Dignity and style mattered.  Manners for certain.  So Letterman runs a short montage of the prime time CBS broadcasting clips and…well, it’s garbage.

The humor is crude, stupid, and insulting.  The writers should be embarrassed.  The producers should be embarrassed for hiring the writers.  But talent has not place in television anymore.  It is non-stop street corner cliché.  It is crap layered on crap.  And that’s the good stuff.  You can watch “reality TV” and watch desperation announce itself…no…pronounce itself.  That’s what I mean.  Stupidity removed from an art form and made into a commodity.  Who has more stupid to sell?  The real efforts toward performing arts might be in some dramas…but the tiresome narrative of understated cool in crime and medical dramas can only entertain a mind deep in a coma.

What did I do rather than rot in front of Orwellian television?  I had a pizza.  I had a glass of cheap wine or two.  I talked to a few friends.  I embarrassed a couple (I thought she was my friend Patrice…damn sure she was…turned out not to be…and he lost control…he is a TV kind of guy)…I had a glass of wine or two…talked to a few friends…

See the pattern?  NO TV IS INVOLVED.

I think of the ways I enlightened the world.  I explained to a woman how to tell the temperature with a watch and some math.  (Count cricket chirps for fifteen seconds and ad 37.  You’ll have the temperature in farenheit.)  I clarified the difference between supply-side and demand-side economics.  I admitted that I liked De Sica more than Rohmer, but prefer Antonioni and Truffaut above them both, almost as much as Bergman.  And I said once again that I haven’t any idea what a tight end does, but “I sure like yours”.  (That line will never get old, will it?)

I could have been home filling my mind with rubbish and filth, but the Republicans were not debating tonight.  (Ha!)  Instead I was having drinks, talk, and food with people who were out of the house and doing something.  So which is a greater waste of time?  Watching crappy TV?  Watching your kid chase a soccer ball?  Maybe pissing in the rose bushes?  Or going out and doing something?

I opt instead for doing something.

Save to drafts…

Columbo and Sales

Lt. Columbo. LAPD.

If you are in sales, please go watch an episode or two of Columbo.

I decided this morning that it might be fun to model my sales calls after Columbo.  (What is Columbo’s first name, by the way?  They must use it in the show, but I haven’t a clue.  Salvatorre or something like that, I’ll bet.) 

Columbo has a knack for hanging around and getting what he wants.  He always prevails in the end and that’s what we want as sales people, right?  More importantly, he gets his adversary to shrug and say…you got me, Columbo, you are right.

Also keep in mind that Columbo is right.  Always.  No innocent has ever gone to the chair on Columbo’s watch.  The show is simple.  The good guys and bad guys are set from the beginning of each episode.  There is no mystery there.  What makes the show fascinating is Columbo’s skill in making the bad guy admit that he is the bad guy.  The “gotcha”.   Perfect agreement and buy-in every time.

In a way, that’s what sales is.  The Gotcha.  But it isn’t gotcha in a swindle kind of way…or at least it shouldn’t be…it is a gotcha in the good way, in the Columbo way. 

When I sell my advertising, I have to remind my clients that they want to generate an extra million dollars in revenue next year.  I can’t run in there slap him around like some Dirty Harry punk detective, I need to go in all out Columbo style.  You need to lay it out, step by step, for your client.  This is who you are and this is where you are going to be.  The nice thing about sales is you’re not trying to send a guy to Sing Sing, you’re trying to help him keep his business afloat!

So go watch Columbo.  I’m not going to spend a lot time here explaining why and giving you a big sales pitch.  Just do it.

(Hey…Just do it!  That’s kind of catchy.)

The Lost Episode

I’ll get back to editing and whittling down my “About Dogs” post later.  Until then you can go and enjoy all that it has to offer in its raw form.  In the meantime I want to share something that makes me smile:  Sponge Bob’s Lost Episode!

Sponge Bob Hamming It Up.

A little secret…When I worked in Rochester I laid up at the downtown Radisson with my cat.  Yes, it is true.  Klick Klack Kitty Cat was a good traveller and she enjoyed the attention she received at the Radisson Hotel.  Milk, cookies, walks down the hall…the staff at the Radisson took good care of Klick Klack while I was out in the field during the day.

 

But I would get back to the hotel early enough to catch Sponge Bob Square Pants, always guaranteed to cheer me up whether I needed it or not.

 

One week Kitty Cat and I got worked up when we saw promos for Sponge Bob’s lost episode.   We would not miss it.  I believe I cancelled a late appointment just to be sure to get back to the hotel room in time for the show.  (In fact I know I did.)

 

Was it worth it?  Well…kind of.  The skit leading up to Sponge Bob’s lost episode is…well…a lot of fill, but Sponge Bob — in typical form — was brilliant!  High art.  Genius.   Klick Klack and I have to admit that it was all a bit over our head.  Too sophisticated, likely appealing to East Coast elites and European flaneurs more than two Midwestern hicks like Klick Klack and me.  (Fact Check:  Klick Klack Kitty Cat is an Arizona native and does not take to the Midwestern slur well.) 

 

Over time, however — the reruns later that night, in fact — Klick Klack and I saw the genius of it all.  We went from feeling completely taken, to feeling blessed. 

 

I like to think that a lot of my clients feel the same way.  What at first might seem like a cheap sham could actually bring a lot of joy.  What Sponge Bob and his lost episode taught me was the importance of looking at things twice.  I think we should all do that…look at things twice…and we might end up being much better for it.

 

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